CANNONBALL! into the water

because sometimes you just have to jump and hope you won't get hurt.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

the discovery of true freedom

"You know, we can finally run around in our underwear," Rachel told me last night. She was standing partially in my bedroom but also partially in the hallway that leads to my bedroom. My suitcases from my nine-day trip home were open and exploding clothes everywhere.

"And walk around without bras on, in our tee-shirts" was my response.

This is exciting news. After having four girls and one boy in our apartment for ten months, it's a breath of fresh air to have it just be girls. Of course, Rachel and I want Morgan back, so that she can enjoy the freedom we have found, but Morgan is in Houston until August.

To celebrate the newfound freedom, Rachel ate sunflower seeds while I cooked some Velveeta Shells and Cheese. Tonight I unpack so that I can repack a smaller bag for this weekend's trip to Austin, TX. And there's talk of going out for drinks or just buying some Schmirnoff and drinking in the apartment. Rachel and I will toast one another and rip our bras off simultaneously. It will be a beautiful day our children will celebrate for years to come. That is, if either of us decide to have children.

According to Amanda,we're a dying breed. A breed that says they don't want children. Soon I will be the only one left as Amanda will marry her very own Noah from The Notebook. I, on the other hand, plan on moving to New York City and having people piss on my stoop every night while I sing "La Vie Boheme" to Morgan on the phone.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

where i come from

This is a piece written for my fiction class. It's an artistic depiction of where I grew up. The writing is not to be taken as fact or my true opinion/perception of the town itself and of the town's high schools or the people or of Houston as a whole. It is fiction based on reality.

Two main streets run through the small town and intersect with I-10. Fry Road is the most popular street, littered with the town's oldest McDonald's on the north side and a Jack in the Box that could use a good scrubbing on the south side. The Shell station is bright yellow, and people who drive an array of BMW's, Lincoln Navigator's, and Toyota 4-Runners congregate here. It is close to the Target strip center, so it is safe because everyone knows that the trashier residents shop at Wal-Mart. On the other side of Fry Road, sitting adjacent to a tiny Bank of America is a Texaco station. The white and blue seems washed out when so close to the beaming yellow of the Shell station, and the only cars that swallow the fuel that is fed to them are the rundown Toyota Corolla's and Jeep Wranglers.

Mason Road is the other main street. For years, it was empty of fast food joints and housed only a Black-Eyed Pea. In the late 1990's, there was an eight-screen movie theatre. So many of the graduates of 2003 had their first dates in the small theatre before walking to the town's first Starbucks filled with dreams of marrying their junior-high sweetheart. If any junior high children want to see movies now and suck on frappicino's afterwards, they have to be driven to Katy Mills Mall and ignore the mismatched color walls that are apparent from I-10. The Mason Road Theatre is empty, and the windows are dusty with a sign announcing that the building is for sale and has been for sale for the past ten years.

The high schools are off of the main roads, all five of them. For years, there were only three main high schools. Katy High School grew the drugs, Mayde Creek High School sold the drugs, and Taylor High School bought the drugs. The three high schools only interacted on football game days when the thousands of students were shoved into Rhodes Stadium. Taylor High School always lost the football games, but that was all right because they lived on the side of Fry Road with the Shell station.

Then the town grew, and Houston, which in 1992 was only twenty-five minutes away, stretched along I-10 and ran into Katy. Now the only thing that separates Katy, TX from Houston, TX is Fry Road, even though it now takes at least an hour to reach downtown, the true Houston. Soon, there were new high schools; three built and opened within four years. The football games became less popular, and the rivalries disintegrated because it became too difficult for the students to keep up with which high school to hate the most.

At one time, train tracks ran through the town. The trains would stop in front of the factory that processed the rice Katy so proudly grew, but now there are no real train tracks, just distant memories of the way the whistles blew and traffic stopped to allow the trains to pass. Instead, I-10 is littered with 18-wheelers, and bright-eyed 16 year-olds in brand new Ford F-150's who have to learn how to merge onto I-10 without being run off the interstate. The rice is still alive when the annual Rice Harvest Festival comes to town. The high school kids mingle on the grass, staying far away from their parents and sneaking sips of rum and cokes out of the water bottles they hide in their trucks.

Only during occasions like the Rice Harvest Festival is the town reminded of it’s roots. It is something Katy has held onto while being made into first a suburb and then an extension of Houston. Without it, Katy would not exist but Houston would thrive.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

how important is food?

Today, as my best friend from high school [Diana] and I traveled the Katy Mills Mall - where we spent money we don't truly have, I thought about words a professor had uttered late in this past spring semester. Graduate school was the best thing that happened to me. I lost about 50 pounds because I couldn't afford to eat.

I am getting to that point. In fact, it was a joke today, that went back and forth. I was told repeatedly that the reason Diana didn't have any money was because she bought me dinner + a pitcher of margarita's that we split and a few drinks last night. And I reminded her that I got us each two free shots at the bar we went to.

Still. I have little money. Sure I have a credit card, and I could easily max it out. But what good would that do me? I would still have to pay it back, and once it was maxed out, I would have no money. So there's no reason to do that.

Besides, blaming the lack of food intake on the fact that I have so little money is a great cover up for a new diet. Now I just have to force myself to shop for groceries like a true college student. I already buy Totino's 98 cent pizzas and add some extra mozzeralla cheese to them, instead of buying the good frozen pizzas. But I don't know if I can give up my Fiji water and Diet Dr. Pepper. So I may have to trade my frozen dinners in for cereal and my hot pockets in for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, made with the cheap $1 bread from Wal-Mart that falls apart at the slightest touch of a serated knife.

Our shopping trip was successful. Cute necklaces, earrings, and a few new shirts. We both held off on purchasing any shoes (only because I couldn't find my size at Nine West). So in theory we were good. And our parents, once we are both back in our summer residences, can no longer keep tabs on how much or how well we eat. And besides, as it stands now, there is more food in my cupboards and fridge in Oklahoma than there is in my mom's pantry and fridge in this house where my dad and 18-year-old, newly graduate from high school brother live.

Friday, May 26, 2006

i like to pretend i am philosophical

The other day, amid the men working in re-tiling and re-carpeting my parents house, I found myself lounging on the couch, remote control in hand, watching Gilmore Girls. It was the episode in which Rory and Dean break up for the first time, the episode where Lorelai (Rory’s mother for those who are not in the know) is making a boyfriend box for Rory even though she says she wants to throw out everything of Dean’s. I started thinking; I don’t have a boyfriend box. Instead, I have a shoe box I haven’t touched in years that has lyrics I wrote stashed in it amongst a few notes my friends and I would hand each other in the hallways, standing in front of our lockers, while we were in high school. And I have a few cards and posters and one high school mum, a beautiful gold and white one from my senior year with a huge cowbell on it, stuck on my walls. Now, as my parents prepare to put this house on the market and eventually make the move to the new house we’re building, I have to decide what to have them keep and what to toss.

Over the years, I’ve thrown pictures out or cut them up for collages that are goodness knows where and forgot to keep the negatives. Instead I hold onto the memories. A piece of me wishes I still had the pictures, all of them, but I didn’t have a Lorelai to stop me from tossing things. Instead I had an angry version of myself.

Sometimes I am glad to have nothing holding me to the past. It’s nice to be able to just move on and adjust to the newest chapter of my life. At the same time, though, I feel like I hold on more tightly to the memories just because I don’t have the pictures of movie ticket stubs to hold onto. And it has bitten me in the ass before, this easy ability to move on. I don’t want it to do that again, though. I like where I am right now in my life. A lot. Sure, it’s sort of tough to have only a few distant friends from high school and yes I wouldn’t mind that being different. But what can I do about it now? I graduated three years ago; I have two years of college left. And then what?

There are so many things I want to achieve. Could I do all those if I were still relishing the past, fingering pictures and laughing at memorabilia?

Maybe there’s no answer. Maybe there’s no right way to move through life. Maybe there’s no such thing as a true boyfriend box or a real way to get over things or hold onto different pieces of life.

Maybe it’s time to just live instead of wondering how to live.

Friday, May 19, 2006

the necessary boyfriend (do i or don't i) rant

I go back and forth over whether or not I want a boyfriend. Of course, I am hopeful for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I desire a man I can walk down the aisle too, a man who will purchase my dream engagement ring, the ring I describer over and over ad nauseum to my best girl friend so that she can pick it out for said desired man to purchase. But do I want that person to walk into my life right now? Am I truly ready to stop my life and change my plans for someone else?

The answer is no. In fact, the answer has been no for quite some time. I just like to pretend that the answer changes every so often, meaning whenever a new possiblity walks into the picture. But I still have yet to find the person who fits me, who fully gets me. There is a person who takes care of me as much as he can, and I have a few friends who like to inform me that I should date him, even going as far as to say that he is the person I should marry.

But I'm not ready to settle down. I see so many of my friends settling down. There are rings on their fingers or rings picked out that will soon go on their fingers. Weddings are being planned; pictures in wedding dresses are being snapped. And I feel myself forgeting how to breathe when I listen to them talk and watch them interact with their significant others because I realize that I just can not do that right now.

It's going to take a lot for me to settle down. I have so many dreams, so many things that I want to accomplish. And I don't know where that one person will fit in. But I suppose when I finally meet him, I won't have to make him fit; he just will.

Or maybe that's just the writer in me searching for a happily ever after that may not actually exist.
You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true. Grey's Anatomy

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

procrastination and grey's anatomy

Or what I like to call: taking-a-break-from-packing-because-I-don't-know-which-purses-to-take-and-I-want-to-sleep-but-I-need-to-be-ready-to-go-tomorrow-and-need-caffeine-but-I-only-have-ONE-diet-dr. pepper-left-so-I-am-updating-instead.

We're all damaged, it seems. Some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood, then as grown-ups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage. And then, we set about the business of fixing whatever we can.

So what makes anger different from the six other deadly sins? It's pretty simple really. You give in to a sin like envy or pride, and you only hurt yourself. Try lust or coveting and you'll only hurt yourself and one or two others. But anger is the worst... the mother of all sins... Not only can anger drive you over the edge, when it does, you can take an awful lot of people with you.

Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

You don't get to choose. I know you've been going through a bad time. I know you miss Shepard. And I know that your life has, admittedly, been pretty unpleasant these days. You get points for breathing in and out. You get to be a little selfish. But you don't get to choose a dog over me... I'm George. I sleep down the hall from you. I buy your tampons. I have held your hand, every time you asked. I've earned the right to be seen. To be respected. To not have you think of me, as less than a dog that you got at the pound. So, I'm not moving out. Whether you like it or not, I'm staying.

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.

Whoever said what you don't know can't hurt you was a complete and total moron. Because ... for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in
the world

I am Preston Burke. I am a widely renowned cardio-thoracic surgeon. I am a professional and moreover I am a good, kind person. I am a person that cleans up after himself. I am a great cook. And you? You are an unbelievable slob. A slovenly, angry intern. I am Preston Burke. And you... are the most competitive,
guarded, stubborn... the most challenging person I have ever met. And I love you. Why the hell won't you just let me?


I've heard that it’s possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope.

It's basically sad just how obsessed I am with this show. And if I weren't trying to play the role of broke college student, I would own at least two copies of season one, a copy for my TV and one for my laptop so McDreamy could travel everywhere with me. and, of course, once season two is released I'll need at least two copies. Maybe three as Morgan and I will be living together again. Then I will have a copy for the two televisions that will be in our apartment as well as a copy for my laptop.

distance = i miss you

I love my roomie. As in. I absolutely and positively am 100% in-love with her. And I miss her. She has been gone for a total of five days, and I already miss her. I am going to see her again in less than a week but after that, it will be three months. Luckily, we have our trusty cell phones to talk on and make sure we are each up-to-date on everything.

What is really interesting about being eight hours away from her is that I feel as though she and I are growing closer. Each time we talk on the phone, we discuss a new subject. Today I started talking about the writing process with her. This is something that is easy for me to discuss on-line and openly with people who are in writing classes with me. But to tell someone who is not in a writing class exactly how I feel about my work and what my process is and how exhausted I am with it all, and to do this to someone I know in real life and not just through the internet, is a huge deal. So, yes, she and I are growing closer. The distance is causing my heart to grown fonder.

Speaking of hearts growing fonder, Grey's Anatomy. I love this freaking show. I am totally obsessed with it. But I am not happy with it. I hate that I have to wait MONTHS to find out what happens, to discover who Meredith chooses. I am hoping that she chooses Finn because I like Addison too much to want Derek to hurt her. And Alex? I don't like it, but I can not help the fact that I am in-love with him after the way he picked Izzie up and held her close, telling her that Denny would not want her to hang on. Now we will see what happens to Izzie with Denny gone, the question "what about me?" she asked with her face a total mess of tears and mascara and other signs of emotions will be answered completely.

Now if only someone could sweep into my apartment and finish my packing for me as well as fix my vaccuum cleaner so I could clean the stupid living room. Then I could go to bed because I am exhausted. I went to bed at 8:30p last night, woke up at 7a, and I am stil exhausted. It's only 10:35p; what the heck is wrong with me?

Aren't you gonna say anything or ... I'm not gonna break... I'm starting to get a little freaked out, but I'm not gonna break. It's not because I don't care, because I do care what you think about me, I do. Care. I just can't tell you want you wanna hear. Which seems to be a theme in my life right now. Just because you can't say something doesn't mean you don't want to. You can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them and not love them. And you can love somebody and not want to be with them. You don't need to love someone to want them. Now that's frustrating, when what your brain tells you you want and what you actually want don't match up. It's exhausting. And, well, its complicated. But that's life. And life... sucks.

Monday, May 15, 2006

grey's anatomy, of course, and a few other things


So far today, I have worked 9.5 hours, and I have 2 more hours left. I am making up for my trip home. Part of me is regretting it, but another part of me, the larger and slightly more sensible part, is remembering that I need to work as much as I can so that my shopping habit continues to have support. For a good while, I was trained in the art of not purchasing anything too extravagant for myself. A new shirt here and a new pair of shorts there. More whenever my mom came into town.

But recently, I've remembered why I love shopping so much. I call it retail therapy. After all, it is cheaper than going to lay on a black couch and ask for a doctor to understand every aspect of my life and analyze it for me. I would much rather buy a new white skirt and think about which tee shirts will look best with it, all the while wondering if I should splurge on a new pair of shoes also and tearing my eyes away from the cute purses.

Why this sudden urge to spend money? Well, for one, I am twenty, almost twenty-one. You get one shot at being this age, one shot at living the college life before heading off to the real world. People warn me that it is all downhill after graduation, but I choose to believe it will be uphill, even if the climb is slow.

So at this age, why not spend money? I am at least somewhat responsible with it. I haven't starved yet or resorted to eating cabbage with cheese, my aunt's favorite meal while she was an undergrad. When else am I going to have a true three-month summer break or a spring break or a month off for Christmas? Never, most likely, as I refuse to teach. This is why I am no longer an English major; I got scared after everyone asked me what I would do with my degree, a question that was always followed by that one word: teach. I shudder just thinking about that.

I have nothing against teachers. I like quite a few of them, but I could never do it. It's not my calling. So I got out of English and into journalism. Hopefully this major will stick. And I can graduate one semester late, along side my amazing roomie, Morgan, and her younger sister, Teryn, who likes to remind us that she is graduating on time to make up for the fact that we (the roomie and I) are taking our sweet time.

To jump to another subject I must say how glad I am I decided against enrolling in a May intersession class. Holy cow, I needed the break from school. I have had time to read for fun and watch Grey's Anatomy and enjoy the art of taking a shower and I finally got 95% of my laundry done; it only took me four loads.

Which Grey's Anatomy? Holy COW. I choked back the tears and then screamed at the television. I am sure tonight will be similar, although I am taping the two-hour season finale as I am at work until 8pm and then plan on going to tan in order to acheive the ever so illusive bronze color that is required for attending a wedding. Then, I will eat a homemade cupcake or two and yell at the TV some more, cursing Izzy for being Izzy and also cursing McDreamy for being McDreamy and making me love him even though I want to love the Vet more.0

In other news, I am tres excited about the mixes I have made for my road trip home.

Driving Home Mix I: ♥Joey Degraw - Miracle of Mind ♥Alana Grace - Black Roses Red ♥Brooke Fraser - Arithmetic ♥Michelle Branch - Are You Happy Now? ♥Cody Dunbar - Today ♥Tim McGraw - Tickin' Away ♥The Faders - No Sleep 2nite ♥Tegan and Sara - I Know I Know I Know ♥Julie Roberts - Break Down Here ♥The Wreckers - Leave the Pieces ♥Chris Cagle - Country By the Grace of God ♥Tyler Hilton - Not Getting Your Name ♥The Vines - Ride ♥Modest Mouse - The Ocean Breathes Salty ♥Carly Simon - You're so Vain ♥Teddy Gieger - For You I Will ♥Pink - I'm Not Dead ♥Cartel - Say Anything (Else)
Driving Home Mix II: ♥Haley James Scott - Halo ♥Dar Williams - I Know What Kind Of Love This Is ♥Panic! At the Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies ♥The Fray - She Is ♥Dar Williams - The End Of Summer ♥The Starting Line - Best of Me ♥Jann Arden - Good Mother ♥Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl ♥Tori Amos - Toast ♥Missy Higgins - The Sound of White ♥Morrissey - The First of the Gang To Die ♥Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry ♥Dar Williams - It Happens Everyday ♥The Early November - Hair ♥Amos Lee - Colors ♥Ivy - The Edge of the Ocean ♥Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah ♥Honeybrowne - Texas Angel
Driving Home Mix III: ♥Anna Nalick - Wreck of the Day ♥Bethany Joy Lenz - Don't Walk Away ♥Ben Lee - Begin ♥Melissa Etheridge - You Can Sleep While I Drive ♥Abe Quigley - Kid ♥Britney Spears - Someday (I Will Understand) ♥Wood - Stay You ♥Plain White T's - Shine ♥Mark Wills - What Hurts the Most ♥Hit the Lights - 100 Times ♥Saving Jane - Girl Next Door ♥Plain White T's - Please Don't Do This ♥Butterfly Boucher - Never Leave Your Heart Alone ♥Sawyer Brown - All These Years ♥Sara Evans - I Learned That From You ♥David Gray - Babylon ♥Rose Thomas - Let Myself Fall
Driving Home Mix IV: ♥Lifehouse - You & Me ♥Ashley Parker Angel - Apology ♥The Calling - Keep Your Hands to Yourself ♥Sugarcult - Pretty Girl (The Way) ♥Ashley Parker Angel - Where Did You Go ♥Snow Patrol - Whatever's Left ♥Surfjan Stevens - Chicago ♥Sugarland - Baby Girl ♥Snow Patrol - Gleaming Auction ♥Pat Green - Wave on Wave ♥Lori McKenna - Stealing Kisses ♥City & Colour - Casey's Song ♥City & Colour - Hello, I'm in Delaware ♥Rufio - Don't You Forget About Me ♥Joshua Radin - Someone Else's Life ♥Gatsby's American Dream - Just Like Heaven ♥
Driving Home Mix V: ♥The Pretenders - I'll Stand By You ♥Jem - Wish I ♥Lindsey Buckingham - Shut Us Down ♥Cartel - Runaway ♥Dixie Chicks - White Trash Wedding ♥Joe Firstman - Car Door (Dancing in the Aisles) ♥The Ben Taylor Band - Safe Enough to Wake Up ♥Spencer Tracy - Stupid ♥Jem - Just A Ride ♥Len - Steal My Sunshine ♥Pete Yorn - Just My Imagination (Running Away With Me) ♥Patty Griffin - The Long Ride Home ♥The Proclaimers - 500 Miles ♥Rosie Thomas - Since You've Been Around ♥Rosie Thomas - Wedding Day ♥Hole - Malibu ♥Eminem - When I'm Gone

BTW I think the coolest job, aside from being a talk show host or world famous novelist, would be to make the soundtrack for television shows or movies. After all, as I write scenes in my head, I place songs with them since I see the characters in my head and watch them playing out the scenes I write.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

this is what happens on a sunny saturday...


So what do I do when the city is empty as everyone is visiting family at their respective home cities or have moved for the summer already? Or they are in the process of graduating from college? I go shopping.

The excursion began innocently enough. I needed some new salt scrub and lotion, which I decided to buy from Bath Junkie as they are moving to Edmond and everything in the store is 20% off. I also needed a nice little dangle-y pouch for my car that would make the car smell good enough, so I was going to go to Antique Garden for that. After those two stops, my plan was to go tan. I decided to try At the Beach as I am making it a point to try the somewhat well-known tanning stores around town to see which I like the best.

Going to At the Beach was my downfall. It's tucked away in this little strip center, and normally, I only visit the strip center to eat at TEA Cafe, get my nails done, or make a quick trip into Albertson's. But today, Hollywood Video was having a special. 3 used movies for $25. So I stopped in. I've never gone crazy with buying movies at these sort of sales because most of the time, the movies they have either aren't all that good or I already own them.

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it), I found 6 movies today. SIX. And I purchased all six of them as I have wanted all six of them for quite some time now.

Then, I started to walk to At the Beach. I had to pass Cato to get there, and I have never even thought twice about going into Cato. To me, the clothes there have never struck me as cute. But I stopped in, remembering the cute clutch a friend of mine toted around yesterday, that she purchased from Cato.

I bought two new shirts and a skirt. To make myself feel (and look) less like a shopaholic, let me mention that I did put one shirt back. So I showed some restraint. Thank you very much.

Finally made it to At the Beach, willing myself not to stop at Wonder Nails to get my nails redone or treat myself to another pedicure. So I think that deserves me some credit.

Driving home, I told myself I wouldn't go out to eat this next week or anything of the sort. Then I remembered I have a minimal amount of food in my apartment. Woops?

I don't have buyer's remorse though. So let's be thankful for that. And I did need some shopping, retail therapy. Who cares if I have done retail therapy two weekends in a row.

Friday, May 12, 2006

tastes in music

I used to pride myself in having excellent taste in music. Now, I am not so sure I can pride myself as my new favorite albums are Nick Lachey's What's Left of Me and Ashley Parker Angel's Soundtrack to Your Life.

I'm in pretty depesrate need of a good concert to remind me of the music I truly like. So, now, I just have to find a concert to go to. It's a shame that Dashboard isn't playing in OKC or Tulsa or even Dallas, only Austin and Houston.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

end of the semester


If I could be anywhere in the world right now, it would be here in Michigan, on the beach. I'd be wearing a sweatshirt and looking up at the stars, trying to make out the Big Dipper and any other constellations that I could pretend to look for, pretend to know what they look like.

Why Michigan? I get that question often. I used to ask myself the same thing. Why do we have to go Michigan, mom? Can't we go to Mexico? Now, I ask for a plane ticket up there for my 21st birthday. My how things change.

The answer is simple: I love it up there. I discovered my love for Michigan in the spring of 2005 when I began working on a short story. Mycreative writing instructor asked us to write about our "writing place", meaning the area we thought of when writing. I started to write about something that went along the lines of "wherever I am at the time". Then I read over what I had written, realized it was crap, and tossed it. That's when Michigan popped into my head. And right now, I am working on writing a novel that is set in Michigan. What is amazing is just how clearly I see Michigan in my mind. In fact, I see it more vividly then I see Houston, where I lived for nearly 15 years.

A piece of me wishes I had gone to school in Michigan, to the private institution both my parents graduated from. It would have been difficult to be that far from home, sure, but I could have done. On the flip side, I have a place I can look forward to moving to in a few years when (or rather if) I graduate from college.

I guess I also want to be in Michigan right now so I can rest. The semester is over. Grades are what they will be. I can't do anything to raise any of my grades other than say a little prayer. All I have to do for the next week is go to work and come home and try not to spend too much money. Most everyone I know will be gone, at home or on a celebratory we-actually-survived-without-dropping-out vacation. So I will come home to my apartment and sleep and relax after surviving a work day of 12 hours, then one of 9 hours, and finally another day of 12 hours. And then home.

Until then, I need to burn a CD for my roommate who moves home tomorrow for the sumer and get myself to bed.

i wish i could dance like this

I needed a break from reading about Cassius and Brutus and Caesar and Augustus. So I watched this. Absolutely hilarious. I think my favorite part of it is just how good this guy is at all the dances and how seamlessly they all flow together.

And I am excited. In less than seven hours, this semester will be over and done with. Thank goodness. I plan on sleeping, relaxing, and reading a ton this weekend. And writing, of course. Now I just have to make sure I don't allow myself to get busy. The last thing I have planned is Thai food for dinner tonight and working 8a to 1p tomorrow as well as 7:15a to 12p on Saturday. And then nothing. Oh I am looking forward to a weekend of nothing.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

breathing in


♥ This was meant to house lists. And these lists were meant to be of the simple pleasures in life, the things that are so easily forgotten. Like the hug you received while standing in line for coffee in the university's main library. Or the text message you got from someone you hadn't spoken to in weeks. Or seeing random friends, over ten total, and talking to them instead of perusing your textbook.

But life's precious moments can not always be pinpointed to lists.

Like right now. Sitting on the computer, my notes for Freedom In Rome begging to be read and studied qnd memorized, in a sweatshirt and homemade flannel pajama bottoms. And at work. How often does such a picture as this occur in the real world? No make-up on and brown Old Navy flip flops with bit marks all over them from the time my friend's dog chewed on them.

There's a chill in the air, and I slept maybe three hours last night. I need a good 12-minutes spent in the tanning bed and caffeine pumped directly into my veins. Having someone else pay off my credit card bill would be marvelous as well. And maybe for the weather to remember that it is May 10th, not March 10th. It's time for spring or summer (or whatever season this is in Oklahoma) to come back.

Or for it to be May 18th. Because on May 18th, I get into my car and drive to Houston. An 8-hour drive. With enough CDs to last me the whole way, CDs I plan on burning special for the trip. Aviator sunglasses covering my eyes, and the windows rolled down for part of the southbound trip on I-35. And then that precious reunion with my family. Just walking across campus this afternoon, earbuds stuck in my ears and iPod resting safely in the pocket pouch of my sweatshirt, I wanted to cry out of excitement.

I haven't been home since January 1st nor have I seen my dad since then. I haven't driven to Houston in a year; every trip home has been on an airplane this semester. And I get to watch my little brother walk across the stage and throw his graduation cap up in the air, saying goodbye to high school and hello to whatever college will bring him.

I get to see friends. Friends who I never talk to or spend time with, friends who still remember me from high school and friends who I am excited to see. I want to know how they have all changed and how they have all stayed the same because we each carry a little piece of high school with us wherever we travel.

And then there's this trip to Austin. This vacation with a wedding thrown in. It will be a true adventure, one that won't soon be forgotten. One that will help make summer school and working that much more worthwhile.

And there's writing. There is always writing. The way ideas come to me as my feet carry me from one building to another and as I drive along the streets, searching for people I know and counting down the seconds until I am parked in front of my apartment.

This summer will bring so much. Just over twenty-four hours, and I am officially there, greeted with a dinner tomorrow night of Thai food and laughter and hugging girls I won't see for three months.

How do you say goodbye to people when you aren't leaving? How do you let go of these people who are graduating on Friday at 4:30pm and remember that they won't be a phone call and five-minute drive away?

my dream, coming alive

♥ I want to be a writer.

Scratch that. I am a writer. Now, I want to be a published author. Yes, an author. I want a novel sitting on the shelf at a Barnes and Noble near you. You. Right there. Sitting in the computer lab of Anywhere University. And I want this novel available in both paperback and hardback. I prefer paperback myself but hardback costs more. In theory, this means the hardback earns more money. Wrong? Probably. Do I care? Not at 2:44am when I studied for nearly half the day and am still unprepared for final #2 tomorrow.

So, yes. When I grow up, I want to be an author.

I feel as though I am on my way there. Ever slowly but surely. I participated in a poetry/fiction reading my professor hosted last week. In the words of a beautiful friend of mine "I feel like my career started". She makes my heart smile, reminds me of why I love writing and why I am willing to work for it and of a few other things I don't need to babble about this late in the night.

Also, I am working on a novel right now. It will take me forever to write, but the process excites me. What excites me more (well, maybe more) or just as much or possibly just a close second is editing this novel once it is done and then going through the anguish of sending it into publishing houses all around this wonderful country. And my, what a long sentence that was.

But that's what I want. Not a small thing to ask for at all. But it is my dream. I refuse to give up on this one. After all, this dream has yet to give up on me. I try to find another dream, soemthing more realistic and responsible, but I can't shake the desire of wanting a novel on the shelf at Barnes and Noble.

So someday. It will happen. It has to. I guarantee that it will.

Of course before this happens I need to stop drinking caffeine and get at least 3 hours of sleep before taking a final tomorrow and working for 10 hours. Oh college, how much I do not love you right now.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

musings of sorts

♥ Inspiration can come from the least likely places. In order to grab hold of this inspiration, one must always keep an open mind. A close-mindedness hinders inspiration, and inspiration is a tricky thing. It normally does not come at the best times, the times in which you sit before the computer and watch the cursor blink and blink and blink. Instead, inspiration comes when you should be studying for finals or listening to a professor's lectures.

♥ The mind truly does work better when the area is clean. My mother always told me this, but i never believed her. This year, though, I have come to realize how right she was. I always write better and study more when my bedroom is clean. Or maybe I just run out of things to procrastinate on.

♥ As nice as it is to seek acceptance from someone else, and to know someone else thinks that you have talent, it is most important to look inward. If you are always waiting for someone to tell you what they think and for someone else to tell you how to better things, all you will do in life is wait. It is better to try and fail then to wait and do nothing but twiddle your thumbs. A cliche? Why yes. But I am just learning it right now.

♥ Candles can make everything better. And I do mean everything. I just light one of these (in boyfriend's shirt) or one of these (in spa) and I immediately feel a little bit calmer, a little less insane and rushed.

♥ Nick Lachey = amazing and hott. Yes, so hot that he gets TWO t's. Much better than Jessica Simpson.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

why life is worthwhile

♥ Pita bread with roasted garlic hummus
♥ Making gift baskets
And it's ok for you to care / Cause I can feel you in the air / And while you wonder "how's this gonna end?" / I only want it to begin
The Wonder Spot by Melissa Bank
♥ Shopping and going to lunch instead of studying
♥ Phone calls that end with "I love you"
I could never leave you / Even you if you asked me to / I could never say goodbye / And make you cry
♥ Knowing someone misses you
♥ Home in 12 days, birthday in 15 days
We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?
♥ Retail therapy
♥ Ligthening storms
And it's you when I look in the mirror / And it's you that makes it hard to let go / Sometimes you can't make it on your own / Sometimes you can't make it / The best you can do is to fake it / Sometimes you can't make it on your own
♥ Allowing yourself to cry
♥ Clean bedrooms
♥ Candles from Ebba and The Waxman
Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to the three R's... relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know.
♥ Lakeside cabins
♥ Seeing the Milky Way
♥ Waves crashing on rocks
You don't have to put up a fight / You don't have to always be right / Let me take some of the punches / For you tonight
♥ Michigan sunsets
♥ Weather that matches moods
♥ The end of the semester
♥ Sweatshirts that smell like boy

Friday, May 05, 2006

worthwhile and beautiful things

♥ Rest
♥ Coffeehouses
♥ Poetry readings
♥ Strawberry swirl cheesecake
So you lost yourself / So you lost your way / Found life through someone else / But you threw it all away
♥ Clunky jewelry
♥ Minute long hugs
♥ The end of the semester
♥ An apartment filled with food
♥ Three girls + one car
♥ Writing a novel
♥ Strapless tops
♥ Shoe shopping
♥ Louis Vuitton purses
♥ Accepting compliments
♥ Carly Simon
♥ Job interviews
Stand tall / It's going on / It's going on / It's gonna be just fine / You're holding on / Holding on today
♥ Remaining still
♥ Prayer
♥ Being romanced
♥ Starbucks coffee
♥ French vanilla anything
♥ Poetry
♥ Feeling capable
♥ Swinging on swingsets
You said that He was stronger / Than all of those guys / Daddy please tell me why / Why does everyone want Him to die
♥ Lying in the sunshine
♥ Storm clouds
♥ Scarves
My empty promises / Led to our demise / And I could never tell you how I really feel / And for that I eternally apologize
♥ Speeding on the highway
♥ Believing in God
♥ New friends
♥ Facing fears
♥ Refusing to give up
♥ Pedicures

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

happiness is...

♥ Jimmy John's
♥ Hair appointments
♥ Hot tubs
♥ Cupcakes with icing
♥ Fresh hamburgers
♥ Going out for drinks
♥ Football games
♥ Dancing barefoot in the grass
♥ Picking wildflowers
This will pass like yesterday / The rain will come and wash away / Fill me with your sweet, sweet air / I cried out and you were there
♥ Warm paper
♥ Brand new books
♥ Driving with the windows down
It's as simple as something that nobody knows that / Her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes / On the feet of the queen of the hearts of the card
♥ Birthday parties
♥ Baby powder
♥ Catching the scent of your favorite cologne
♥ Laughing under the stars

Monday, May 01, 2006

things that form smiles



♥ Busy days
♥ 8 hours of sleep
And hours become days, and days become years / And you could burn down this town / If they made matches from fear
♥ Cuddling on the couch
♥ Trusting that things will be okay
I was in love with the place / In my mind, in my mind / I made a lot of mistakes / In my mind, in my mind
♥ Reconnecting with old friends
I don't think two people could have been happier than we've been.




♥ Clinging to hope
♥ Building sandcastles
♥ Cool sand
♥ Roasted marshmellows
♥ Bagels with cream cheese
And as I drove myself back home / A little voice said just be alone / But sometimes I think I see you in a crowd / It's not picture perfect / You're just meant for me somehow